THINGS I LEARNED BEGRUDGINGLY WHILE WORKING IN MY YARD:
1) When the channel 3 meteorologist says that Tuesday is going to be nine degrees cooler than Monday, with the added bonus of delightful slight winds, he is a lying cocksucker.
2) When S offers to come over and help with what turns out to be complicated and sweaty work, what she
really meant was that she would come over and kill a six pack.
3) My yard is a delicate ecosystem. The spiders eat the crickets, the snakes and chickens eat the spiders, the cats eat the snakes and chickens, and the hawks eat the cats. Two problems: I accidently killed all of the spiders; and what the fuck eats the hawks? Pumas?
4) Yes. I seriously have snakes and chickens randomly in my yard. The chickens hang out in the garage a lot; the snakes prefer the patio. And I live in a metropolis.
5) When I tell R that I am fully capable of finishing the sprinkler system based on the seven second lesson I received in the garage, and hence there's no need to call those saved again heroin addicts who took ten weeks to pour a concrete walkway, I am full of shit.
6) OHHHHH! TURN THE FUCKING
HOSE ON!
7) *Pascal*, the nursery plant specialist who came to the house and, for $120, told me how many geraniums I need, does not like it when you call her *Pazz*. Even when you point out that her name is ridiculous.
