Things that occurred to me on the crusty crusty beach:
1) Don't take paintings to the beach. Just don't. Because
you end up obsessed over whether or not the Igloo cooler is going to tip over on the painting in the trunk, and your
dude isn't even
thinking painting, man; he thinks maybe you got him like a shark or something for his birthday, since you insisted on bringing it to the
beach and all. So he gets all excited, and he starts subtly carrying a glass of warm water around with him everywhere to rehydrate this granulated shark that he's no doubt going to open, and then it turns out to be a painting of trees. And they're cool trees, but there aren't any granulated shark fangs, you know? So then you have to explain that the tree picture was the incidental "throw him off the track" gift, and the dehydrated shark got loose in
Ajo. In a drainage ditch. But he was awesome. All... teethy and shit.
2) When R announces-- with a straight face and part of an actual debate-- that "penises are mostly round", just go ahead and fall on the fucking floor. It doesn't even matter the context. Just freak the fuck out with choking laughter. And when he continues with, "it's not like they have to pierce Teflon", it's okay to go ahead and pee. No, seriously.
2.5) Don't bring it up giggling later, though. Because he'll pull out a skillet and testify. And that's not good for anybody. Least of all the maid.
3) If you decide to go snorkeling, you should pick a place where dead fish aren't bobbing along the surface of the water. Nothing says "epileptic freak" like casually snorkeling forehead first into a fish corpse.
4) So... what the fuck.
Bob Barker needs to update that goddamned microphone already. If I watch him pull that ninety foot cable across the stage one more time... luckily it was 9:30 in the morning, so I was already pretty drunk. Otherwise I might have caused a little in-house Plunko scene.
5) If you spend all day in the ocean, you still have to take a shower. You're not an eleven year-old boy.
5.5) When I say "you", I mean "me". I'm gross-out city.
I met S at the bar today.
For six hours.
That's pretty much all I have to say.
