I went to the porn store this afternoon for more White Elephant gifts, and after successfully avoiding the low looks of all the lone "hands in pockets porn trollers" I made it to the counter with my Lovin' Lamb and my chocolate tattoo stencil set. The girl behind the counter was straight up "I totally just work here" and really made me feel pretty gross for checking out the glass dildo collection behind the counter. Then I saw
these.
"These are the cutest things I've ever seen," I said, throwing two on the counter.
"Really?" she said, her tone exactly the same as if I'd just confessed that I like to be tied to the hood of classic cars and peed on. "What about
puppies? Aren't
puppies cute?"
"Puppies??" I asked incredulously. "Do they make these with little rubber PUPPIES you can suck on? Because I see the little penises, " I said, pointing into the bins, "and I see the little vaginas, the little butts... and this one looks like a little rubber liver, but I don't see any puppies."
"Uh,
no. They don't make them."
"OH. THEY DON'T? BECAUSE I COULD REALLY GET OFF ON SUCKING A LITTLE RUBBER TERRIER, I THINK. I SURE WISH YOU HADN'T MENTIONED HOW CUTE
PUPPIES ARE... I HAVE TO GO HOME AND LICK MY ACTUAL
DOG NOW."
If you're working in the biggest porn store in Arizona and there's a porn cafe and free porn coffee and a porn video rental club and free porn seminars and a really good porn return policy, DON'T BE AN ABERCROMBIE CUNT TO THE PORN CUSTOMERS.
