Hey, is it too late to be a fifteen-year-old competitive surfer girl in Maui? With the surfer hair and the skin and the ass and the coconut oil and the perfect teeth? Or do I need to change my major for that? Could someone pick me up the paperwork?
1) Today, when the chihuahua (which we've all started calling the "CHI-wah-wah", sometimes the "CHI-wah-wah-wah-wah" for reasons that are phonetically self-explanatory) bolted out of the garage door and galloped like the tiniest, ear-flappingest little deer-nymph through the morning dew, I'm not ashamed to tell you that I looked wearily down at Jake, sighed, and said, "Dude, would you
please go get him?" Jake would have, I'm sure, except that he ISN'T HUMAN. And hence he couldn't grasp THAT I WAS SERIOUS AND NOT KIDDING AROUND.
2) I got so much fabulous mail while I was gone I can hardly contain my attention-sucking "look at all my stuff" ego. Let's do a list.
a)
Sara sent me Slajov Zizek's "
The Puppet and the Dwarf" which I'm really looking forward to reading once I get my doctorate degree in "Hard Books". (It's actually quite incredible so far. And if you doubt me you should go and read that first review that I linked to. Holy shit. It's lucky that shit is anonymous; I want to tape a "KICK ME--I'M A PRETENTIOUS NARC " sign on that guy's back so badly I'm breaking out in hives.) Thank you, Sara! I'll email you when I'm done.
b)
Styro must have some sort of "Mafioso Fear" thing going on with her flinchy postman because the SECOND she said she was sending me a package it was sitting in my mailbox. Either that or her command over space and time precepts is suspiciously "CIA". So I open this box... and it's like LOVE IN A BOX! Little raffia resting nest, tiny little sprinkly candies... I wanted to curl up in there. She sent me this
lipgloss that is so sparkly and yet so creamy that I keep having to stop myself from eating it. And the "bling! bling!" bracelet she made me is too cool to just describe; I have to find my camera and then we'll talk about it so you can properly appreciate the majesty. Last but not least, a plastic Easter chicken that SHITS GUMBALLS. How very "Happy Jesus Day", as her card pointed out. Something else I noticed about said chicken; in order to get the gumballs in, you have to twist off the chicken's HEAD. You DECAPITATE the chicken
first so you can watch him crap gum
later. So in that way it's sort of like a real chicken.
c) I didn't realize that I was expecting anything from
Dayment until I read her site about the Rice Krispies treats. I bolted out of the house toward the mailbox, arms outstretched. I ate it too fast and cut my mouth all up on pointy Krispies. Maybe I should have waited until I was back inside. These cds are the bomb, Stace. At some point I'm going to have to commission you to teach me about music that is great and music that I'm not allowed to listen to anymore or tell anyone I ever listened to or otherwise acknowledge in any way. Maybe shock therapy.
A couple of days ago,
Choppa Choppa Crime Stoppa flattered me immensely by "blogging forward" to me. Sort of. She actually blogged it forward to
him, but apparently he thinks blogging forward is ginchy. Or unlucky. Or something. Anyway. I'm like the "Blog It Forward Understudy", and I'm in charge. I'm blogging it forward to the chick who called asking me to "distract her", and who then told me fantastic and sordid things from her past for two and a half hours while I laughed so hard I choked and mopped my floor. She's the only person I know who'll let me, "hey, let me call you right back" her like fifty times, and when I call her back she picks up the phone actually
finishing her original sentence. She's not fucking around. She knows EVERYBODY and EVERYBODY loves her and if I ever needed a place to go I know that I could catch a bus up north and her man would make us tacos and then we could bake cupcakes and lay astroturf carpet in her scary as shit crawlspace and then take pictures of ourselves in the green grassy crawlspace eating cupcakes and tacos and then post the pictures on her
website! I love you, Dayment! You've been blogged forward!
