1) I spent most of yesterday running around with M and her enormous child. He just turned a year old, and he's cute, he is, but I swear to god it's like carrying around a Scottish soldier. M must have developed the arm muscles of, say, an ENGLISH soldier because I was holding that kid and he pushed against me in an effort to get down, and not only was he
successful in the getting down when both my ulnas snapped against his pressure, but he fractured three of my ribs in the pushing process. M wasn't impressed with her kid happily chortling his way into parking lot traffic and me with my hunched shallow breaths and wincing arm pain, but if I had to guess I'd say that she was even
less impressed when I took off at the end of the day with his carseat in my backseat and got all the way home with it. I met all of the levels of "unimpressed" yesterday. Except the ones near the top.
2) My ass is getting bigger at the speed of fucking sound.
3) The Jake just burst into the house covered in liquefied horse shit from the neighbor's pasture irrigation. I, of course, being the "home alone for the weekend" twelve-year-old that I am, have defiantly left the door open even though the A/C is on. I've also been holiday-letting The Jake jump onto the couch. It just took eight seconds for all of my rebellion to cost me approximately $90 in carpet and furniture cleaning. I wish someone was here to make me go to my room.
4) I can't find a single Smoothie recipe that calls for mashed potatoes.
5) Keep sending in the Finger Squad paint pictures. I'm getting pictures now that have nothing to do with Finger Town, and that's awesome. Deadline is Sunday afternoon-slash-evening-slash-Monday-sometime.
6) I spent forty-five minutes this morning trying to claw the Scotch tape off of the battery cover of the television remote. I ended up crying and wheezing, bent over with shaky, bloody thumbs... I finally got it off but by then I was too exhausted to actually replace the batteries. I just slumped over on the couch-- breath ragged, heart pounding--and spontaneously fell into a three hour nap. At eight in the morning. My finger muscles are really sore now. Maybe later I'll bend down to pick something up and make this a "whole body workout" day.
7) I've offficially been voted off
Reverse Survivor this week! I don't know what kind of a statement it is that my strong suit is apparently satirizing a completely bullshit work by a pedophile, but whatever. Techno Destructo is off. I win.
UPDATE: M called this afternoon wanting to know if I have her cell phone. Then she called again wanting to know if I have her debit card.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THE
CARSEAT, ALREADY.
DAMN. It's not like I filled up a fucking
knapsack full of your shit before I left. It was just the
carseat!
And these cookies.
And that one sandal.
and your keys.
(and all the shampoo.)
