I hope I'm not the only one who bursts into spontaneous fiery tears when I hear those OnStar commercials on the radio. Like when the OnStar representative helps the little girl whose mom is pregnant and unconscious behind the wheel? With the little girl weepy voice and the soothing omniscient "ambulance-dispatching" OnStar guy? Or, Jesus Christ, the one where the OnStar God informs the decapitated head-on collision guy that a) his airbag has deployed, and b) paramedics are on the way? To reattach his head? So he should keep his head in a glass of cold milk until they get there?*
So I'm thinking about having OnStar attached to my neck.
ONSTAR: Hello, Ms. Kline. How may I be of assistance today?
ME: Hey, Will. I'm thinking about trying to jump over this wall to get to my car because I don't really feel like walking around it? But... I don't know. It's that weird height where I might totally clear it but I also might break my ankle and land on my teeth. What do you think?
ONSTAR: Oh, you can absolutely clear that. Remember that puddle we jumped over last week? Please. And you were wearing sandals. Don't be such a pussy.
or
ONSTAR: Hey.
ONSTAR: Yoo hoo?
ONSTAR: Wow, you're seriously going to be late, man. You can make it if you don't wash your... anything.
ONSTAR: Hey, are you going to at least call in? Dude. At
least call in. Don't just
not show.** And clear your throat first. You sound like a fucking Marlboro.
* I heard this about knocked out teeth once. I assume the same is true for heads because, really, why wouldn't it be?
** Now that I'm gainfully employed I can belly up to the "fight the establishment" bar of self-pity and cynicism. And I would happily buy you a beer there if Uncle Sam wasn't bending me over every fucking week.
(I'm a fast learner.)
