A Short Yet Potent List Of Seemingly Innocuous and "American" Products Which, If Purchased South Of The American Border, Will Kill You:
1) Afrin nasal spray. Liquid coke. Liquid
cut coke. Just jam an icepick up your nose. At least you won't get the shakes. The label reads "ADULTO". Yeah, no shit. If by "ADULTO" you mean "Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction". My grandfather tells a story about being addicted to Afrin back in the sixties, before the FDA stepped in and made them take out the Fiberglas and Everclear. He had to go through detox... slept sitting up for two months. That's what I'm talking about here. Hand me a goddamned Kleenex.
2) Marlboro Lights. It's been a while for this one. If you smoke Lights at home, buy Ultra Lights in Mexico. If you smoke Reds, buy Lights. If you can actually
smoke the Mexican Reds then you probably have a bunch of crumpled ADULTO Afrin bottles in your purse, you big fucking addict.
3) Playing cards. You're thinking "hey, cards can't kill you", but if you're in a bar in Puerto Penasco and some guy's got a gun to your temple and he holds up the Queen of Hearts and says he's pulling the trigger if you ALSO deal the Queen of Hearts, that's not going to be a chance you're willing to take. Trust me. There could be six or seven of those bitches in there. And not one nine.
As an aside, I'm officially off birth control. We're flying without a wing man here... for the first time in ten years. "Why?" you ask. "Trying to start a family?"
Fuck no.
The answer is much less idyllic and much more... typical. And it requires the patented "List Sort Of 'Within' But Really More Like 'After' A List" format. Concentrate:
a) I forgot to sign up for my company benefits after my probation period. So my window expired. I called them, and asked to be resubmitted, and they
did, in fact, resubmit me. Because The Machine is Good and The Machine is Kind. But I forgot to enroll again. And I have no health insurance. Twenty-nine and still rockin' "elementary school responsibility style". Let's hope I don't have to have anything amputated. Because let's face it... the only thing worse than losing an appendage is opening
that bill.
b) What's that you say? Just go back to University Health and Wellness? Yes. True, they help anyone. Anyone, say, except those who owe roughly $800 in library book fines.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I just better not get pregnant.
A special shout out to
Dayment for the advice. What's better than screaming laughter about birth control with Ms. Dayment on a cell phone at a tailgate party?
If you answered ADULTO Afrin, you need rehab. Go. Now.
*sniff*
